Nothing, Special: April 2012

Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Walking in the dark

Remembering in the time leading up to when I left for Basic Training....some 16 years ago I used to take long walks at night. We're talking 11 to 1 am just walking the dark streets of Arlington, Ma. Now as I sit at a new crossroad I find myself engulfed til late hours listening to the creaking, groaning silence of the night. It's still comforting.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Just another night

It's April 17th.
I had a decent day at work today. I didn't have a newer shirt clean so I wore an older one. The older ones are kind of tight...and the sleeves don't cover my biceps. I went to work and got sent out on deliveries. My new job is decent...so far it is fairly menial. I know that I'm not working up to my potential...but sometimes I feel like I like and need that. Sometimes knowing that all you have to do is go to work and go through the motions is reassuring in it's simplicity. It's like there's a comfort in that for the time being even though it's not a lot of money, there is something coming in.
I have a pit in my stomach over how things are going with my children, but that is clearly an issue for another day...
I wonder if these thoughts will always be mine alone or if someday an audience might appear.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Changes

Y'know the funny thing about time...it doesn't stop. It steamrolls right over any attempt to slow it's grind.
April 16th, 2012....the clock has had it's way with me friends.
There is little hope anyone will pick this up...I doubt anyone is actually reading it, but if you are...Hi
I'm Pete...I just re read this blog and realized how much I've said. It weighed heavy on a still very much encumbered mind.
I'm working. It's a lot less money, it isn't full time, I don't make enough to live really. I at the very least couldn't afford an apartment, if I took a room mate I would still be living on Ramen noodles and frozen pizzas.
Times really are that dark. I have a tire that needs air every few days and I don't have enough change to fill the tire. I get paid Friday, at least I have food.
I have an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a Bachelor's in Mental Health and Human services. Not enough to qualify me for a hellish job in Human Services...they tell me I'm smart...I find it hard to believe, I can't think my way out of the dark times.
Still I see the avenues to advance where I work, it will take time and more stability than I have successfully mustered lately. I realize that I am a capable and viable employee anywhere I go...when I can keep my shit together. Still I see the hole I'm in...my mind starts adding how far behind I am, my psyche throwing up the zeroes...(we count in thousands here Count Mabel.)
Christ it's fucking impossible. Why fucking bother...you will never get out of that hole...you are going to be living to exist...balancing on a thread of indignant existence.
a solid twenty minutes of figuring out the fastest, least painful, most dignified way to end it all. Settled on eating a bullet, through the top of the mouth and through as much grey matter as possible...easy because pulling that trigger is the last damn thing you'll ever have to do...and carbon monoxide, run the tube from the exhaust into the passenger compartment, take a few sleeping pills and never wake up. Neat, dignified and kind of painless. Downside I'd never be able to fall asleep.
This damn darkness is so unsettling. Ultimately a short term employment boosting goal might be in order...A simple fairly attainable goal like getting Full time over part, with a raise of at least 75 cents...although a solid dollar might be life saving.
I hope someone reads this and understands...but I don't really care...I'm just saying it. Something has to be worth it...god I fucking hope so.