April 18th, 2013 raw no edit

Solace

Ease into it, it’s good.  Somewhere between the jovial and the speculative we are drawn back to where we are right now.

Alight in prescience these things you speak of are not important in the now.  They are the only all too real, all very much alive, that then becomes the past.

It is a thousand shards of memory.

They shift from one set to another as I cycle through the moods.  There are a lot of smiles.

It is perfectly understandable that it be so.  This is a moment of peace.

The biggest shadow seems to matter the least.

I want to be remembered as someone who was alright.

I want people to remember me warmly and fondly.

I remember reading the obituary of someone who died young.  It spoke of finding peace.

I don’t want to be remembered as I hope he is finally free from pain, or finally at rest, I want people to say, “Holy Shit! Do you remember the time he…”

I am the eternal advocate.

There are so many angles for why.

I believe I am becoming the person that they say things like “I hope he found peace.” about.

I don’t believe I’m there yet, but I am facing serious doubts at my ability to stop it.

So while I can see both the future and the past in varying degrees of accuracy, It is looking like there are a lot more bad memories coming and much fewer good ones.

Whatever we do in this life ceases from it when we are gone.  Only our memories remain and the presence of our personalities is what dictates how long people talk about us.  If I can’t make the memories I want to leave behind?

There are a lot of smiles…

Nothing, special

How many people out there have ever had a stand-off in their front yard, with police...guns drawn, bullhorns out in the driveway...when they weren't home.

I have.  I tried to come home and got waved away by the police who were trying to 'save' me because it was 'Too dangerous'

How many people out there were also worked law enforcement, long enough to know you were capable of doing it right.  At least corrections, some people count it some people don't.

I have.  Six years made it to day shift, had a unit commendation, was even a trainer for a few weeks(a bit of horseplay nonsense that I both take responsibility for and don't regret, it was funny, I was dumb, and I would probably do it again, and deserved to give up training status.), yet I was signed off in areas that a lot of my more senior co workers weren't, not elite, but better than average and good at it.

I've been a standout personality in every environment I've ever been in.  I believe I have a unique insight and different way of seeing things.  Of course I could also be completely bat shit crazy.  I won't rule that out.  It doesn't feel like it though.  It feels like I'm on to something.  Whether I'm crazy or not figuring out whatever this is is going to either make or break me.  Still I feel like there is something in this sharing, this growing I enjoy writing, I think that the stories and pictures in my mind will be well met and enjoyed.  So I must believe that if there is an answer there must be something in these words, because they seem to matter.

I make people laugh.  Certain people more than others, but everyone once in a while.  I'm not always good at it, and sometimes it just isn't funny, but I'm good with the A for effort, and even when I don't get a laugh I almost always get a smile for the effort.  It is the thought that counts and I feel like my presence brightens people around me...usually.  When I'm down and it shows, people around me are often concerned or emotionally moved.

I also went to school for psychology even though I didn't finish I continue to be interested in, and read up on psychology and have a broader base of knowledge than the average person.  Which is making me drop into this clinical voice that doesn't seem to flow as well as the feel I was going for with this piece...

So I will leave this as a free flow honest thought rant.... no edit, I wrote it once beginning to end and hit send