Growth
Dear god, I just read
back through my blog. Not all of it,
even I am surprised by HOW MUCH I put out there. Holy Shit….but now, reading it, it feels
fucking intense…to re-live that darkness, and to look at where I’m standing and
how the fuck I got here.
-It has been VERY
intense. I am surprised by how much
violence there was. How Angry I was…I
know my capacity for violence is pretty intense, and it’s funny…right now I’m
trying to figure out how an amazing capacity for violence translates to the
peaceful world I am creating. I know
that it doesn’t…I completely get that.
But I also know…that it’s never gone.
All it takes is a whiff of aggression in the air, and like bloodlust the
teeth come out…’oh you think you’re gonna use violence to get me to yield? Oh no I know violence intimately, and you
want nothing to do with my level of destruction.’ Then I realize how little it
matters, it’s there if you need it, but you don’t. No where near as much as you did when you
were feeling threatened on all fronts.
You were feral back then…an animal living solely for survival…every day
a successful kill…that could have just as easily taken you.
-So here in the dark with
the music pulsing into the dark room, you are you. You feel safe, unthreatened. You look back at the things you lost along
the way. There’s a lot of
hardship. You caused most of it somehow,
you were an engine of destruction, and now you’re an engine of realization and
fore thought.
-What will you become? You are begging to be real again. You know you aren’t quite ready, but you are
always jumping before you understand. It’s
a huge piece of your overall problem.
The things that are holding you back.
There are dozens of scenarios pounding in your head playing through with
hundreds of variables. Trying to predict
the path with the best combination of personal success, and now necessary to
your survival sense of personal worth.
-In the meantime you
thirst for new human interaction. You’ve
spent years isolating yourself from trusted friends…now everyone is in
different places, and you want to meet people occupying the curious in between
space you live in. You want laughs, and
long talks, you want stupid pictures, and drunk faces. You want hot breath and whispers under covers
with new feels and sounds…
-But you aren’t ready
yet. You haven’t made enough money to be
safe and real yet. There are bills left
to pay, things left to buy. But you’re
close enough to taste it, you’re making enough to get by without falling behind…now
you just need to get caught up without worrying about sliding backwards…but you
really want the times…
