The
fridge is decidedly empty. I don’t eat
take-out this is my food. Some of it is
actually my roommates. There are a few
side dishes, lots of Ramen noodles, and some peanut butter in the
cupboard. This life is not for me. I am without a doubt poor. I turn the word on my tongue. My jaw hardens at the prospect. This is not the life for me. I don’t want to accept it. I refuse its implications. Part of me cries out…I’m two hundred pounds
of muscle. I can run for miles, I can
lift hundreds of pounds, I don’t get tired.
I’ve been in the Army, I’ve worn a badge and spent years working in a
jail. I hit hard, I don’t hesitate, I’m
calm when really bad shit’s happening. How
can I accept this miserable life when there are evil, fucked up, dirt bag
people living well? Child molesters,
rapists, callous and cruel people who look down on their fellow humans…shouldn’t
it be ok to take what’s theirs? It isn’t.
It’s an illusion they occupy the same
coin I do…shouldn’t it be ok for them to take me out before I can get to
them? I like to live my life as a
dangerous victim…waiting for someone to try to take away my freedom and
happiness…these are the only people that it’s ok to hurt, but it is ok. When someone invades another person’s safety
they forgo their own…at that moment they have chosen to make another human a
victim, at that moment there is nothing too cruel for them, to call them a
predator isn’t right. Predators are
noble. They hunt for survival in a land
where natural selection rules. Human
predators don’t fall into this class, because the human world has ousted
natural selection in exchange for mutual good.
A human that preys on weaker humans is not a predator, because in order
for there to be human predators there would have to be chaos and the rules of the
jungle would have to prevail…no a human who hurts, steals from, or rapes his
fellow man is a narcissistic scrap of life that puts their own wants ahead of
their fellow man. They deserve to be
shown why that isn’t ok. Society can’t
and won’t tolerate it…if they don’t learn the lesson easily it should be
reinforced…
Then
I turn the page, I’m educated. I’ve been
to college. I’ve passed college classes
without buying text books. I learn
things quickly and well. I tend to get
things on many levels, and am insightful.
Why am I stuck in this quagmire?
What am I willing to accept? Is
poor my destiny? Is the fact that I can
claw out an existence on scraps and a few hundred dollars a month my fate? I’m not scared. The situation is desperate and the stakes are
high, homelessness and the prospect of being in a shelter are legitimate, I am
a short fall away from this level of desperation, I have no protection from
it. Yet I am not scared. I would die tomorrow if my only other option
were carrying an armload of belongings into a shelter. Yet I don’t intend to die. I intend to stand, regardless of the amount
of weight placed on my shoulders. I
intent to shrug off the burdens of desperation.
I intend to forge security. I
will have a well appointed fridge, and money waiting for bills instead of the
other way around.
The
problem is I keep finding roadblocks. I
keep hitting things that are slowing me down.
They are rules, they are fees, and fines, and the tools that citizens
have, but once they’re lost they are fucking impossible to get back. Things like a checking account, a god damn
license, a reliable car, these things are SO goddamn essential, they are taken
for granted during times of deluded prosperity.
Yet the world can make them seem like the greatest luxuries known to man
when times get hard. So to them I say…
Fuck
you world. I’m smarter than 90% of the
American Population (based on IQ tests and conversations with real people) I’m
stronger than 90% of the country. (based on obesity rates, many hours at the
gym, and consistent statistical observation, in varied environments out of 20
people I am consistently in better shape than all but one or two.)
Fuck
you world. I’m angry, indignant, and
willing to do things that would make most people throw up. Almost six years in a jail…how many
fights? How many shit covered crazy
people?(2-3) How many hangers (3)? How
much blood spilled in fights, walking down the hall with disinfectant looking
for droplets after dragging someone to Max or Medical.
Fuck
you world. I have spent years studying
Psychology. I have an Associates degree,
and 90 credits towards my BS in the mind.
I’m intuitive and because of the jail, growing up in different places,
and working countless different jobs, I am a good reader of people. That doesn’t count the articles, the random
reference books, the case studies, the trade publications, and medical journals
I’ve read because psychology interests me.
That goddamn degree is an expensive façade. Most of my fellow college students smiled and
nodded their way through classes. I
applied every scrap of new information to what I already knew and moved on. The further I got the less new information
there was. It got to the point where I
wasn’t learning enough from a college class to justify my interest or
continuing.
Fuck
you world. I don’t want the middle class
dream anymore. I tasted it…I bought my
house at 22 years old. I lost it in the
divorce. I don’t want your simplistic
drone, your mortgages and credit cards, and vacations to beaches…no my security
will be mine. There will be no mortgage,
the next space I own will be mine. It
will be Spartan in its essential simplicity.
Then I will fill it with the simple things that make me comfortable and
happy. And god help the motherfucker
that messes with my sovereignty.
