coming around

Like anyone else with a penchant for italics, I knew I was destined for greater.

It has not yet been a year since the house fire. I am finding normalcy here and there. I am working multiple part time jobs. We are wintering in an apartment. Back in the city, not as grand as the cities I grew up in, more of a misplaced mill town with a jagged chip upon it's weary shoulders.

I continue to strive for greater. Somehow I remain, somehow I find enough of a scrap to build onto. My soul is weary of the effort and I find that emotions and feelings are not what they once were.

On Updates raw no editing one take shake

Have I not mentioned a penchant for italics.

In the past eight months I lost my home and everything I owned.  Then I lost my job, but found a temporary shelter to live in.  I got a job, and then another.  I also scrounge extra income through time honored hustles.  I had to move out of the temporary shelter but through a whole lot of hard work was able to do it.

I had to take today off from one of my jobs.  You see with two part time jobs I work about seventy hours a week, and have only had one day off in the ten weeks or so.  Then today hit.  I go until I cannot go any further, and today is that day, so I find myself here.  The principle is simple, I have lacked the hours to write or dwell, but found them when I gained back eight hours of refunded time.  So as not to waste them I allowed my body to force four hours of sleep on me, and now donate the remaining four to self betterment.  I am still a little achy.

I am fairly certain I am crazy, not badly so, but that my wiring has over these thirty seven years definitely gone bad in a way that is irreparable.  It isn't a death sentence, it will require changes to my success plan, but I feel that even with the handi-cap of approaching mental illness, that I have the mental resources, drive, grit, life experience, and balls to make considerable gains and possibly secure a life of comfort and peace.  I am making gains in my socioeconomic existential standing.  However they are taking a great deal of emotional and mental resources to maintain so I have to go until I can't then stop and recuperate.  The picket fence is not feasible, I could not maintain the social obligations, face status, and encroachment of cohabiting or communal life building right now.  I don't have it in me.  I can barely keep track of my own life much less impact and buffer someone else's with my warmness and congeniality.

In 2006 the house I shared with my now ex wife, the house that I bought at 22, my first home and solid attempt at middle classiness....flooded in the spring run-off when a dam let go.  The insurance covered enough that I was able to replace my entire heating system, but it was scary we had to get the kids out of the house, go to my mother's for two days, then another four while we got everything up and running and cleaned and dried out.  What are the odds of a flood and a fire inside of a decade?

Ever...changing

I like italics...fuck off.
This is a rant :) It shall not suffer the burdens of editing; rather, be the raw, poorly grammatically tended, and ugly underbelly of my twisted and disturbing mind.

Rants are angry vitriol laced tyrades!!!
This is just an observation of sorts...

April 24th.  
I am going to be 37 in fewer than two months time.  I continue to deliver pizza, and am waiting to hear on a second part time job in retail.  I am spending more time on thoughtful introspection than I have in my natural life up to this point.
I am feeling the effects of a lifetime of precarious upheaval, and the strains of maintaining against the grain and tide.
I suffer from no physical defects or save high triglycerides, so I am thankful for my health.  I spend time on my physical form and as such am rewarded by being very strong in general and exceptionally for my age.  These are Pros I imagine.
My view of the world has been shaped from a young age to be positive and negative at the same time.  I have always sought permission and acceptance for something I have never really wanted.  I have no desire to live like the vast majority.  I am learning to understand that.  It is now my task to find a way to have comfort and security within the workable parameters of who I am.  It is a fairly daunting task.
I have done, and will continue to do things that will make most of the middle of the 'normal' bell curve cringe.  That is accurate and true through a wide spectrum of life sections.  In thought, action, ability, and lot in life.  I am wallowing in borderline abject poverty.  Somehow I know I am still better off than others at my station.  I see them, huddled into overfilled apartments, sleeping in living rooms, porches...the world I move through is pretty bleak and seems to be in a state of decline.  There are more roads that need work than my town can possibly fix.  It is extraordinarily evident that things are going to get worse.  My area has a terrible school district.  We do have a brand new police station, a whole fleet of new Police cruisers, and a mess of new gear for our law enforcers.  From a strategic and logical perspective it makes sense.  If I knew things were going to get worse than I could repair, I would hedge to maintain security.
I know that I am mentally and physically capable of doing a great deal more than I am doing.  The problem is thus...I am so angry, beaten down, and desperate, that I cannot maintain enough personal calm to get into that tier of society.  Also I am increasingly lacking the material accompaniments that lend validity to a claim of belonging.  My phone is not smart, my formal attire was lost to the fire, and dated before the flames hit anyway.
So how much of a real claim for survival can I make with the resources available to me?  In truth, not much.  So I am forced to struggle to attain resources that will gain me safety with which to pursue more gainful existence.  It feels like the barriers I keep encountering are although certainly largely of my own doing, If I had been more mindful I could have avoided them, but mental well-being enough to maintain vigilant awareness is also a resource that in my state has limitations...these barriers many of them seem oppressively unnecessary.  In my paranoid angry place it isn't hard to convince myself that they exist for a reason.  I sometimes want to feel like, if the resources of the world are a finite commodity, then there are far too many people who will use them poorly, and if I were rich and powerful I would find way to make certain that me and mine would have enough to get by...in doing that those who were less fortunate or more poorly equipped would face increasing difficulty attaining those things until by default with fewer and fewer resources natural selection would work it's magic.

So I continue to work, as hard as I can...to stay ahead of what it sure looks like might just be coming.

Raw no edit just...click....publish    

Hardship

I haven't written to this in a LONG time.

Today is April 10th, 2014

On August 15th, my ex wife gave up on being able to handle my son, and he moved in with me.  Since that date I have made tremendous strides with him and am proud to say he is doing amazing.  That being said.  I am still paying child support for both kids, although she has finally relented and we are changing it in about three weeks.

In November my house burned down.  The day after I finally replaced my car.  That car then turned out to be a lemon and I had to get another.  Then I got fired from work, I had worked there for 22 months.  It has been just over five months since the fire I am working part time delivering pizza which is killing the new car, and have to move again.  I have no savings, I have some help, and am trying to get into a pretty affordable apartment.  Then I will have to ensure I can pay for it.  I will need a second part time job, and realistically a newer car soon.
Last Friday I came closer to committing suicide than I ever have.  I think if I had had the means to take the exhaust pipe super highway I might have.  I didn't.  mostly because I have done right by my son, and he deserves to keep doing well.  This life has just gotten so hard that it lacks any enjoyment.  I don't want to play anymore.  Yet I persevere.  I have a plan to try to actually do something with my creativity.  The conventional workforce is getting harder and harder for me to function in....please stand by...