Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Decision made


Deep breath
Concentrate. You ready?
The past few days have been on the surface very low impact days.  However the last few days, have been anything but.  You see beneath the surface the clock in my head was telling me I was drifting well past the amount of time I needed to have certain decisions made.  It has been a battle of reality versus aspiration.  I presently lack the confidence that if I am able to aspire I will be left to do so.  The events leading me here to this present, where the hardships seem insurmountable left me with no choice but to doubt I can be kept safe from all of it happening again.  The more I worked the more they took until I had nothing left to lose and found myself in the one place that I should NEVER have been, I cannot allow that trap again.  I worked as hard as I could, and paid literally tens of thousands of dollars, and then went to jail and lost my job.  The outcome was unpleasant, and only a fool would repeat the same experiment and expect a different result.  The fact remains that I will not allow that to happen to me again.  Only one of my paths will virtually guarantee that what happened cannot be done again.  So that is the path I will take.  Please for those of you that think you might know me I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING VIOLENT.  I can picture someone reading this and saying ‘Oh no he’s going to go postal, or commit suicide.’ For God’s sake I’m not the type to kill myself or fly off the handle and do something that rash.  Don’t get me wrong there have been times when I have felt in every bone that ending it would be easier.  Likewise there have been times when I have been SO furious at the people who fought for what happened to happen, and for those who handed it down, that I have been able to taste blood and see nothing but hatred and means.  Believe me when I say that I probably came dangerously close to a dead end without fanfare or regret, probably closer than even I want to admit.
The problem is I want to rise.  There are things I want and need.  True that list is smaller now than it was when I thought I was middle class.  However I know that I want for pride and a decent ride.  I will never give up.  I also won’t walk with my chin up and faith in the system.  I did that once and paid dearly for it.  I am going to see to my immediate security, and rework who I am, what I do, and how I do it until I find a combination that cannot be taken away.  From a position where I know I will have a roof over my head and food in my stomach no matter what, I will work to expand on that, with little tiny, safe, well protected, and fiercely guarded steps.  It might take me years to rebuild the life I lost, but when it’s done it will be a seamless construct without cracks or weaknesses or even the possibility of defeat.
So yes I have made a decision and the results of that decision have yet to be realized so during that process, facts about where I’m going and why will be made evident.  For now little I feel lighter, and this blog sees my cryptic hope.
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