Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The twist

Running down who I am and what I need to do to straighten out
is like chasing a ghost.  I’ve been looking back over the past 20 years.  I’m seeing where I have been and trying to recapture where I was mentally and financially at each stage of myself.  Trying to see where I have felt as though my accomplishments were real to me.  Seeing it I feel as though I only briefly made it into the spectrum of citizen.  I fear that I only was able to taste homeowner, that I didn’t belong amongst those who blend, and that I was occupying a ruse, a well-executed, but not sustainable ruse.
At first the feeling was scary and deeply unsettling.  It didn’t feel right, I felt cheated…I had EARNED those things, they were mine.  Then I started retracing my steps.  I saw the cracks, and lies…lies to myself included.  I looked at who and what was waiting for me at that home.  The friends, the neighbors, the roots; none of them felt right.  It was because I had never belonged.  It felt wrong to me because I never learned how to exist in that world.  I did my best to belong there…came close to pulling it off, but it was hollow, and eventually the wrong began to show.
I think I might finally see where it was I was going wrong.  I wasn’t being myself.  I was conforming to what I perceived I needed to be to succeed.  However at heart I didn’t know how to be that person.  It was destined to fail.  If I am going to find success it must be using only tools that I know and understand.  Only the weapons my upbringing and learning did give me.  The good news is that I didn’t use most of these tools and options the first time I climbed the ladder.  There were times that I felt they would have been appropriate, but somehow knew they didn’t belong.  It’s time to do it all again.  I think this time it will be harder, but once I get there, I won’t be susceptible to having it pulled apart.
I didn’t do it my way.
But clearly I should have.
Found it…
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