Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

shoulders (raw and unedited)



A cold wind blowing…
It’s cold.  I knew it would be.  I lay in bed this morning, with my arms around someone I love.
I thought back to the first night I had slept beside her.  Over four years had passed.  This morning was in all likelihood the last time I would wake beside her.  We both cried.  I would wake up and drive home to a space where just yesterday I was only able to pay half of my rent.  I would drive home with no license in a car with a noisy exhaust.  Today is the first day off I have had in 28 days.  My fridge is full of food I bought with food stamps.  I don’t have any booze, and don’t smoke cigarettes.
I have a hope that my roommate will be able to pay the other half of the rent this Thursday or Friday, returning us to the good graces of our landlord.
I need about 600.00 to have my license back.  I have 21.00 until I get paid Friday, today is Sunday.  I don’t have Cable, I do have internet and the electricity is on, although I’m supposed to pay 200 towards it today, and I don’t have it, so I will need to call them tomorrow and beg for a few more days.  The 200 will come from my roommate.  He has fallen on uncertain times, but will be getting enough financial aid from school later this week to pay both me and the landlord.  So lights and a roof seem close and attainable.
I’m not a real person.  Real people don’t have these problems.  I don’t make much, but my child support is paid.  I have mediocre part time Health insurance that I got through one of my 2 part time jobs…it costs 15 a week, but covers me for 2500 a year in medical expenses.  So I can fuck up once and get most of it paid for.  Anything more than that becomes an unpaid medical bill at a local ER.  Not pride just fact.
My 8 year old glasses have a crack in the passenger side lens.  I need new ones, I do have vision insurance through work, it cost me 1.50 a week.  However I have to buy the glasses and get reimbursed, and like I said I have 21.00 which will go to something at some point this week.
I’m not a real person.  I’m 35.  You wouldn’t know it, but I bought a house when I was 22.  I made payments on in for 8 years without ever missing a mortgage payment.  I had a wife and I have two wonderful children.  They’re pretty fucked up too each in their own way, but I have my hopes for them.  I want them to be normal and happy…I know they probably won’t be.
I’ve been to college…a few times.  I’ve got an Associates Degree to show for it…not that it matters, I owe the college money and don’t have any so I can’t get an official transcript.  That means the 90 some odd credits I earned prior to losing my financial aid and having to pay 900 dollars for that last class are being held hostage even though I paid for all of those.
My kids both need to see me more.  I don’t have the means to be there for them as much as I should.  I work too much, driving is always risky, and it takes a lot mentally to maintain even half-way decent spirits.  At work I smile and greet customers with a smile and witty banter.  I’m good at it…I’ve been working since I was 12.  They don’t know I’m a horrible person with no license, very little hope, and a bleak outlook.  Somewhere I have a shred of hope that I’m going to be able to work myself out of this.  I know in all likelihood I’m probably going to get pulled over and arrested.  That will cost more money that I don’t have and make my life even harder…on some level I’m sure I deserve it.  There is no time limit for my license suspension, I need to pay a fine for not having an inspection sticker, a fine for speeding (I was driving someone else’s car it’s amazing how it doesn’t feel like you’re going very fast when the car doesn’t shake or make loud unpleasant noises) Then I have to pay several reinstatement fees to get reinstated once…like I said 600.00.
I hope some day she’s happy.  She deserves it.  She was nothing but good to me, and would have been there for me, would have supported me while I struggled to live and pay bills.  She told me when I first changed…she only wanted me the way I was, and to Love her and to hear me say I loved her.  I do, and did.  However, I’m not a real person…she is.
I left her, and we continued to spend time together, easing each-other’s troubled and lonely hearts occasionally.  She couldn’t do it anymore…it hurt her too much to need more from me, that I couldn’t give.  She told me she was sorry.  I told her not to be.  I’m the one not functioning.  We said we loved each-other and I went home, alone; where I now sit.  I’m sad, I mourn for these losses deeply.  I know what I have to do, but it costs so much more money that I have.  I need to be a normal person.  Then I can assess what I want from my life.  Needs have to come first, and I NEED to be self-reliant.
I’m a derelict criminal.  I work hard but don’t get very far.  I’m well spoken, and fairly well educated.  All anyone seems to want from me is me.  I’m not me though.  Me is a broken child somewhere inside.  Sculpted from a child hood of moving around, never having roots, working too hard, feeling loss, only knowing what I could get for myself.  Knowing what it’s like to have everything gone, being left only with myself and the ability to work.  All everyone wants is me.  I could have everyone in my life if I gave them me.  My smile, my warmth, the love I know I have to give, my conversation, my insight, the person I am…the person I pretend to be when I’m at work.  The smile is fake.
I’m not a real person…real people have a license, their car runs, they buy their own food, they pay the rent, they don’t ever have to talk to the electric company, and when they smile they mean it.
I haven’t been a real person since I started having to play games to live.  I’ll play them, because I have to, but real people smile…I used to smile and it wasn’t fake or wasn’t a sarcastic remnant of a memory…those smiles sting.  I don’t know who I am anymore…I only know that I need to make my life safe.  I only know that it is going to take more than what I have to get there, and I may fail…in that end I can’t take anyone with me…so they will all miss me, and I will cry for them, wishing I could be what they wanted.   
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