Sins of the father
Life is a constantly shimmering wheel. It is always turning, with the surface a
subtly blending, gently morphing sheen of oil slicked color.
Every point on it is moving.
Yet it comes around again and again in the same fashion.
What makes a certain type of person, a certain type of
person?
The case for genetics, I’ve got my father’s frame, certain
undeniably personality traits. I’d like
to say I have my father’s temper, but I don’t know that he has one. I’ve never seen it. My grandfather was a misogynistic, woman
beating, coward. My father a smooth
talking, womanizing, tough guy that never fought. His game was never physical. He didn’t let things go, and there was an
underlying threat, but thinking back he was never physical. So my grandfather was a high hatting,
melodramatic bully who would only pick on people smaller than himself. My father a bravado soaked, extravert with a
definite physical presence.
What am I?
A hair trigger? An
instrument of rage and indignant fury? A
beast of burden that works tirelessly and emotionlessly to improve his own life
and the people he cares for. In that
order…?
An empathetic soul who doesn’t really have his own emotions,
but can weep on a dime for the hardships of others.
Obviously there’s more here, because I can comment more on
my own workings than I can on observations.
The answer? I don’t
fucking know, but I’ll tell you what I’ve seen.
There are distinctly different types of parents. I know some parents who daunt and feign with
truly devotional love to their children. They are there working on homework, taking
them to sports, and friends houses, and movies, and family games. They really are out there, I’ve seen them.
There are indifferent parents. They work hard, their children are in
daycare, and after school programs. They
pick them up on the way home from work, and share take out while getting ready
for the next day. They see their
children nightly, and exchange the facts of the day. They love and provide for their children.
There are distant parents.
They wait the whole day to call their kids to say goodnight. They tell everyone how much they miss
them. They see them whenever they can. They tell people that they would love to be
there every day.
Then there are the parents that just disappear. They realize at some point that they don’t
want to be parents so they don’t.
Sometimes they get guilty and try to make contact, telling themselves
that it is something they HAVE to do.
The attempt often unravels because it wasn’t something they ever really
wanted….to do.
I tried to stop short of saying good or bad. It was very deliberate. My thought is everyone is who they are. Circumstance notwithstanding generally
speaking people do what they want to do.
There are times when the choice might not have been there’s, but
generally speaking even then, the result is a culmination of events coming
together to form an outcome. Every
person at some point made a choice, that choice grew into an event, those
events become a life.
It’s lonely and quiet right now.
Self actualization
Even if it actually sucks
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