Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Monday, February 11, 2013

sinking raw



Baby steps in so many levels
The darkness, the noise, the music, all so visceral
The darkness and future all crushing together
It’s bleak as hell
Violence and loss and twisted darkness
Everywhere
In the midst of it all
Complacency
Solidarity
Life
Loss
A sense of disconnection
We aren’t who we’re supposed to be
In every fiber of my being
I envision the penultimate version of myself an engine of death
I imagine better worlds and hopes and dreams
But when I dream it’s always death
It’s always noble
There is never anything reckless or random about it
Yet I am always tasked with some terrible deed of ending someone else’s life
ALL THE TIME
This is psychosis right?
It has to be
This thought pattern is highly irrational
Therefore it must be a manifestation of some lingering mental illness
But I only feel fine when I’m prepared for a crisis
When I’m prepared to kill or die.
Come now sleep, the day has both ended and begun.  I think when I am able I shall strive to be awake at both noon and midnight every day that I am able.
I feel a darkness coming, I feel that I have always been ready for it.
Am I walking towards my own well being, or am I marching into the insanity
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