I like italics...fuck off.
This is a rant :) It shall not suffer the burdens of editing; rather, be the raw, poorly grammatically tended, and ugly underbelly of my twisted and disturbing mind.
Rants are angry vitriol laced tyrades!!!
This is just an observation of sorts...
April 24th.
I am going to be 37 in fewer than two months time. I continue to deliver pizza, and am waiting to hear on a second part time job in retail. I am spending more time on thoughtful introspection than I have in my natural life up to this point.
I am feeling the effects of a lifetime of precarious upheaval, and the strains of maintaining against the grain and tide.
I suffer from no physical defects or save high triglycerides, so I am thankful for my health. I spend time on my physical form and as such am rewarded by being very strong in general and exceptionally for my age. These are Pros I imagine.
My view of the world has been shaped from a young age to be positive and negative at the same time. I have always sought permission and acceptance for something I have never really wanted. I have no desire to live like the vast majority. I am learning to understand that. It is now my task to find a way to have comfort and security within the workable parameters of who I am. It is a fairly daunting task.
I have done, and will continue to do things that will make most of the middle of the 'normal' bell curve cringe. That is accurate and true through a wide spectrum of life sections. In thought, action, ability, and lot in life. I am wallowing in borderline abject poverty. Somehow I know I am still better off than others at my station. I see them, huddled into overfilled apartments, sleeping in living rooms, porches...the world I move through is pretty bleak and seems to be in a state of decline. There are more roads that need work than my town can possibly fix. It is extraordinarily evident that things are going to get worse. My area has a terrible school district. We do have a brand new police station, a whole fleet of new Police cruisers, and a mess of new gear for our law enforcers. From a strategic and logical perspective it makes sense. If I knew things were going to get worse than I could repair, I would hedge to maintain security.
I know that I am mentally and physically capable of doing a great deal more than I am doing. The problem is thus...I am so angry, beaten down, and desperate, that I cannot maintain enough personal calm to get into that tier of society. Also I am increasingly lacking the material accompaniments that lend validity to a claim of belonging. My phone is not smart, my formal attire was lost to the fire, and dated before the flames hit anyway.
So how much of a real claim for survival can I make with the resources available to me? In truth, not much. So I am forced to struggle to attain resources that will gain me safety with which to pursue more gainful existence. It feels like the barriers I keep encountering are although certainly largely of my own doing, If I had been more mindful I could have avoided them, but mental well-being enough to maintain vigilant awareness is also a resource that in my state has limitations...these barriers many of them seem oppressively unnecessary. In my paranoid angry place it isn't hard to convince myself that they exist for a reason. I sometimes want to feel like, if the resources of the world are a finite commodity, then there are far too many people who will use them poorly, and if I were rich and powerful I would find way to make certain that me and mine would have enough to get by...in doing that those who were less fortunate or more poorly equipped would face increasing difficulty attaining those things until by default with fewer and fewer resources natural selection would work it's magic.
So I continue to work, as hard as I can...to stay ahead of what it sure looks like might just be coming.
Raw no edit just...click....publish
Nothing Special
Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.
So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?
Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.
At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)
My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.
The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.
So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?
Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.
At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)
My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.
The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.
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