Nothing Special

Hello all!
This part of the Whateverlution...is all about me. Call it an ongoing ever changing 'about the author' Dane Cook once said...A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography.

So what gives me the ability to speak out about the world? Why should anyone listen when I tell them about fitness, gaming, intellectual pursuits, the sociological ramifications of current world politics, and gummy worms?

Well that's something you're going to have to learn as you go. However if you want credentials, allow me to fill in a bit of my resume.

At 34 I have collected paychecks from over 30 different employers. I have built million dollar homes, I have driven a front end loader through mountains of trash, I've been to basic training and enjoyed some peace time national guard time, I've worked for restaurants, retail chains, and convenient stores and been a substitute teacher. However I have also spent over five years as a guard at a county jail AND 30 days as an inmate at a different county jail. (For CIVIL CONTEMPT-I couldn't afford to pay ALIMONY, and was subsequently put in jail, which caused me to lose my job with the Sheriff's Department)

My education involves an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards a BS in Mental Health and Human services, as well as a healthy interest in reference literature. School and I have never gotten along, I find it too rigid and constraining, I can learn more on my own.

The only things I know for sure...I've been pretty good at just about every job I've ever had. The closest to a job I actually liked was as a guard. I'm a people watcher and psychological dynamics fascinate me, plus I'm an adrenaline junkie and at the time thrived amidst the crazy fights, hangings, cut-ups etc etc. That being said I now have to pursue a different career, and this blog circle is part of it. It's a social and personal experiment. I know that everywhere I've gone, people tend to remember me. However despite being a quick learner, and intelligent and well-spoken, something seems to be holding me back. So I am now hoping to work from that into something here, maybe a job, maybe a career, maybe pocket money, time will tell.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Dark ages

The fridge is decidedly empty.  I don’t eat take-out this is my food.  Some of it is actually my roommates.  There are a few side dishes, lots of Ramen noodles, and some peanut butter in the cupboard.  This life is not for me.  I am without a doubt poor.  I turn the word on my tongue.  My jaw hardens at the prospect.  This is not the life for me.  I don’t want to accept it.  I refuse its implications.  Part of me cries out…I’m two hundred pounds of muscle.  I can run for miles, I can lift hundreds of pounds, I don’t get tired.  I’ve been in the Army, I’ve worn a badge and spent years working in a jail.  I hit hard, I don’t hesitate, I’m calm when really bad shit’s happening.  How can I accept this miserable life when there are evil, fucked up, dirt bag people living well?  Child molesters, rapists, callous and cruel people who look down on their fellow humans…shouldn’t it be ok to take what’s theirs?  It isn’t.  It’s an illusion they occupy the same coin I do…shouldn’t it be ok for them to take me out before I can get to them?  I like to live my life as a dangerous victim…waiting for someone to try to take away my freedom and happiness…these are the only people that it’s ok to hurt, but it is ok.  When someone invades another person’s safety they forgo their own…at that moment they have chosen to make another human a victim, at that moment there is nothing too cruel for them, to call them a predator isn’t right.  Predators are noble.  They hunt for survival in a land where natural selection rules.  Human predators don’t fall into this class, because the human world has ousted natural selection in exchange for mutual good.  A human that preys on weaker humans is not a predator, because in order for there to be human predators there would have to be chaos and the rules of the jungle would have to prevail…no a human who hurts, steals from, or rapes his fellow man is a narcissistic scrap of life that puts their own wants ahead of their fellow man.  They deserve to be shown why that isn’t ok.  Society can’t and won’t tolerate it…if they don’t learn the lesson easily it should be reinforced…
Then I turn the page, I’m educated.  I’ve been to college.  I’ve passed college classes without buying text books.  I learn things quickly and well.  I tend to get things on many levels, and am insightful.  Why am I stuck in this quagmire?  What am I willing to accept?  Is poor my destiny?  Is the fact that I can claw out an existence on scraps and a few hundred dollars a month my fate?  I’m not scared.  The situation is desperate and the stakes are high, homelessness and the prospect of being in a shelter are legitimate, I am a short fall away from this level of desperation, I have no protection from it.  Yet I am not scared.  I would die tomorrow if my only other option were carrying an armload of belongings into a shelter.  Yet I don’t intend to die.  I intend to stand, regardless of the amount of weight placed on my shoulders.  I intent to shrug off the burdens of desperation.  I intend to forge security.  I will have a well appointed fridge, and money waiting for bills instead of the other way around.
The problem is I keep finding roadblocks.  I keep hitting things that are slowing me down.  They are rules, they are fees, and fines, and the tools that citizens have, but once they’re lost they are fucking impossible to get back.  Things like a checking account, a god damn license, a reliable car, these things are SO goddamn essential, they are taken for granted during times of deluded prosperity.  Yet the world can make them seem like the greatest luxuries known to man when times get hard.  So to them I say…
Fuck you world.  I’m smarter than 90% of the American Population (based on IQ tests and conversations with real people) I’m stronger than 90% of the country. (based on obesity rates, many hours at the gym, and consistent statistical observation, in varied environments out of 20 people I am consistently in better shape than all but one or two.)
Fuck you world.  I’m angry, indignant, and willing to do things that would make most people throw up.  Almost six years in a jail…how many fights?  How many shit covered crazy people?(2-3)  How many hangers (3)? How much blood spilled in fights, walking down the hall with disinfectant looking for droplets after dragging someone to Max or Medical.
Fuck you world.  I have spent years studying Psychology.  I have an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards my BS in the mind.  I’m intuitive and because of the jail, growing up in different places, and working countless different jobs, I am a good reader of people.  That doesn’t count the articles, the random reference books, the case studies, the trade publications, and medical journals I’ve read because psychology interests me.  That goddamn degree is an expensive façade.  Most of my fellow college students smiled and nodded their way through classes.  I applied every scrap of new information to what I already knew and moved on.  The further I got the less new information there was.  It got to the point where I wasn’t learning enough from a college class to justify my interest or continuing.
Fuck you world.  I don’t want the middle class dream anymore.  I tasted it…I bought my house at 22 years old.  I lost it in the divorce.  I don’t want your simplistic drone, your mortgages and credit cards, and vacations to beaches…no my security will be mine.  There will be no mortgage, the next space I own will be mine.  It will be Spartan in its essential simplicity.  Then I will fill it with the simple things that make me comfortable and happy.  And god help the motherfucker that messes with my sovereignty. 

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