So I am trying to wrestle with what the biggest part of my predicament is. Predicament seems a wrong term, but for lack of something more artful I'll use that for now. I realize I'm unemployed. That doesn't scare me so much. I know I can find some shitty job, I've always found work...since the age of 12 I have never spent prolonged periods not working. This is by far the longest I have ever been without work since the age of 12. So finding a job isn't necessarily what scares me. Other things I have been dealing with since early childhood include but aren't limited to...
Sporadic anger
A strange mixture of confidence and insecurity
A need to prove myself
I'm trying to find a way to admit to myself that I have never been completely healthy mentally. However armed with the faculties I DID have I was able to find successes in certain arenas. I worked hard through high school, pretty much supported myself. I only ate dinner at home once or twice a week, bought my own clothes and shoes, and eventually jackets etc throughout high school. When I was 22 I bought a house, that can't be a small accomplishment.
This week has been a busy week, I have done some things that I don't like or want to do, but recognize a need coming on. If these blogs are about honesty and finding out who I truly am and why...I am getting unemployment again, with the child support and my rent coming out of unemployment I qualify for about 70.00 a month in Food Assistance. I'm taking it. I don't like to, I had to apply for it when I first got out of jail, and Monday I sent in my financials and got it reopened. I stopped getting them when I was working at the restaurant over the summer. That was a stressful day. yesterday I went to court for the OAS I got while saving up to get my license back. That is taken care of for now. While sitting in court I was able to look around at all the other people stuck in the same mire I am. I recognized differences and similarities.
I'm hoping that I haven't slipped into this welfare needy circle to an extent that I can't get myself out. In the same breath I am seriously considering applying for full time disability. NOT FOREVER! I know that somewhere inside something is broken. The amount of stuff I can deal with in a day before I get really angry and edgy is much lower than it has been in the past. Going to court exhausted me mentally for the day, so did going to DHS. I want to yell at myself that I'm just being a lazy piece of shit and need to get a job and get back into things. However I also know if anyone else yelled at me my pride would kick in and I would be willing to fight, not just fight I mean really angrily violently attack. It's my pride mixed with the unsettling knowledge that I am not ok.
So my reason for going for possibly going for disability is two fold. I know that it is going to take research and time to find a job that I am qualified for that will pay me enough to get there, and eat. (See previous post) I also recognize that my strongest point was once my interview. I came across as dynamic, likable, intelligent and it was my interview that usually got me all my jobs. I am not that person right now, my confidence is an angry reflex, and I need to find a way to address things like my jail stay in a less emotional way.
Right now thinking about those 30 days nauseate me. I shut my eyes and feel a fury building. I went to jail for thirty days dead broke. The courts ordered me to pay SO much, I couldn't do it. I re-read all my performance evaluations from five years with Cumberland County. 2006 and 2007 were stellar, as was the first half of 2008. Then Came the ruling, and the money. At first it was 324.00 a week. I was going to work and losing 324 of my net every week, the anger built quickly, I tried to get it modified. They raised it, now it was 435 a week. I didn't have a prayer. 2009 and 2010s evaluations got worse. Still there were good points cited. Somehow I tried to keep it together, I kept hoping it would change, I kept hoping they'd see how broke I was. Then the judge issued a warrant. We went to court for a modification and a contempt hearing, I asked for relief they asked for more money and jail. The judge said within 10 days we'd have a decision. 6 weeks later the courts mailed me a warrant to report for a thirty day sentence.
That sentence ultimately cost me my career with the Sheriff's Department. Officially on paper I was fired for being incarcerated and unable to report to work without adequate vacation or personal time to be out of work. Unofficially the warrant seemed so wrong, so unbelievably unfair that I fought it. I spent a week looking for people to hear me out, to listen...this couldn't happen in the America I grew up in. I didn't go straight to jail. I hid, I borrowed money and had someone check me into a hotel for 2 nights under a different name. When I did come home I kept the shades drawn, I even made a place to hide in the attic surrounded by boxes and made to look like there was no void for a person. I decided on Friday February 25th to report. First I went to H&R block to get my taxes done, so I could provide my share of the rent while I was gone. I was expecting a tax return. Then I decided to stop home, and have a real lunch before reporting.
When I got home there were cruisers. The police were in my driveway with guns and bullhorns trying to get me to come out. My boss...the Sheriff had decided I was likely going to hurt myself or someone else. Even though the warrant had yet to be entered into the computer system they were there for me. I do not own a gun, yet the police in my driveway thought I was armed and dangerous. They turned us away. We drove to the jail and I reported.
I am not done yet...however in the past year I have had everything I knew to be true torn apart. I have always been able to work more, and find a way to get by or get ahead. Now I have the shame of jail, the fear of a court system that can take all my money and freedom, and a burning anger so intense to deal with before I can feel comfortable working... That tax return that I was hoping for the day I went to jail. DHS took it for child support. When they raised my child support they made the raise retroactive by six months. I am still paying an extra 15.00 a week, and DHS plans to take my tax return this year if I get one. Last year they took my whole return...I still owe H&R block 300.00.
I think I'll send an S.O.S.
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