Dark ages

The fridge is decidedly empty.  I don’t eat take-out this is my food.  Some of it is actually my roommates.  There are a few side dishes, lots of Ramen noodles, and some peanut butter in the cupboard.  This life is not for me.  I am without a doubt poor.  I turn the word on my tongue.  My jaw hardens at the prospect.  This is not the life for me.  I don’t want to accept it.  I refuse its implications.  Part of me cries out…I’m two hundred pounds of muscle.  I can run for miles, I can lift hundreds of pounds, I don’t get tired.  I’ve been in the Army, I’ve worn a badge and spent years working in a jail.  I hit hard, I don’t hesitate, I’m calm when really bad shit’s happening.  How can I accept this miserable life when there are evil, fucked up, dirt bag people living well?  Child molesters, rapists, callous and cruel people who look down on their fellow humans…shouldn’t it be ok to take what’s theirs?  It isn’t.  It’s an illusion they occupy the same coin I do…shouldn’t it be ok for them to take me out before I can get to them?  I like to live my life as a dangerous victim…waiting for someone to try to take away my freedom and happiness…these are the only people that it’s ok to hurt, but it is ok.  When someone invades another person’s safety they forgo their own…at that moment they have chosen to make another human a victim, at that moment there is nothing too cruel for them, to call them a predator isn’t right.  Predators are noble.  They hunt for survival in a land where natural selection rules.  Human predators don’t fall into this class, because the human world has ousted natural selection in exchange for mutual good.  A human that preys on weaker humans is not a predator, because in order for there to be human predators there would have to be chaos and the rules of the jungle would have to prevail…no a human who hurts, steals from, or rapes his fellow man is a narcissistic scrap of life that puts their own wants ahead of their fellow man.  They deserve to be shown why that isn’t ok.  Society can’t and won’t tolerate it…if they don’t learn the lesson easily it should be reinforced…

Then I turn the page, I’m educated.  I’ve been to college.  I’ve passed college classes without buying text books.  I learn things quickly and well.  I tend to get things on many levels, and am insightful.  Why am I stuck in this quagmire?  What am I willing to accept?  Is poor my destiny?  Is the fact that I can claw out an existence on scraps and a few hundred dollars a month my fate?  I’m not scared.  The situation is desperate and the stakes are high, homelessness and the prospect of being in a shelter are legitimate, I am a short fall away from this level of desperation, I have no protection from it.  Yet I am not scared.  I would die tomorrow if my only other option were carrying an armload of belongings into a shelter.  Yet I don’t intend to die.  I intend to stand, regardless of the amount of weight placed on my shoulders.  I intent to shrug off the burdens of desperation.  I intend to forge security.  I will have a well appointed fridge, and money waiting for bills instead of the other way around.

The problem is I keep finding roadblocks.  I keep hitting things that are slowing me down.  They are rules, they are fees, and fines, and the tools that citizens have, but once they’re lost they are fucking impossible to get back.  Things like a checking account, a god damn license, a reliable car, these things are SO goddamn essential, they are taken for granted during times of deluded prosperity.  Yet the world can make them seem like the greatest luxuries known to man when times get hard.  So to them I say…

Fuck you world.  I’m smarter than 90% of the American Population (based on IQ tests and conversations with real people) I’m stronger than 90% of the country. (based on obesity rates, many hours at the gym, and consistent statistical observation, in varied environments out of 20 people I am consistently in better shape than all but one or two.)

Fuck you world.  I’m angry, indignant, and willing to do things that would make most people throw up.  Almost six years in a jail…how many fights?  How many shit covered crazy people?(2-3)  How many hangers (3)? How much blood spilled in fights, walking down the hall with disinfectant looking for droplets after dragging someone to Max or Medical.

Fuck you world.  I have spent years studying Psychology.  I have an Associates degree, and 90 credits towards my BS in the mind.  I’m intuitive and because of the jail, growing up in different places, and working countless different jobs, I am a good reader of people.  That doesn’t count the articles, the random reference books, the case studies, the trade publications, and medical journals I’ve read because psychology interests me.  That goddamn degree is an expensive façade.  Most of my fellow college students smiled and nodded their way through classes.  I applied every scrap of new information to what I already knew and moved on.  The further I got the less new information there was.  It got to the point where I wasn’t learning enough from a college class to justify my interest or continuing.

Fuck you world.  I don’t want the middle class dream anymore.  I tasted it…I bought my house at 22 years old.  I lost it in the divorce.  I don’t want your simplistic drone, your mortgages and credit cards, and vacations to beaches…no my security will be mine.  There will be no mortgage, the next space I own will be mine.  It will be Spartan in its essential simplicity.  Then I will fill it with the simple things that make me comfortable and happy.  And god help the motherfucker that messes with my sovereignty. 

Organ grinding

It is here in the dead of night, that the manic thoughts and twisted delusions merge into a synchronous homage to oneself.  If you get yourself to an exhausted state and the refuse to sleep, insisting that you haven't been productive and are now ready to conquer the world you reach a truly delusional grandeur.  Now with my mind in a fragile and weary state...now tired and should be sound asleep, I find myself knowing that I don't have to get up for anything tomorrow.  So why not try to move forward something of vested personal interest.  Your funds are down to 6.00 until Friday.  Payday this week is not going to be stellar thanks to hours getting cut.  You need to buy food again, and it's gotta be under 30.00 to get through in all likelihood 2 weeks.  There's no doubt that before the next payday unless you hold some bills back and are very frugal with gas, you will need an influx of funds.  Will it be legit and soul enriching...perhaps a day of labor for extra pocket money?  Will it be a shamefully asked nod back to one's parents...hey, I know I'm 35...but I'm just about out of food...a 20 would go a long way.  Gotta try to maximize every shift at the retail chain I work at part time.  Why don't I get a better job?  Jesus I've got 90 credits towards a BA, and my Associates.  Is it because your car is kind of a POS, you don't have much gas money for interviews, the whole uncomfortable new item of scorn, a Civil Contempt conviction.  Perhaps it's because your license is actually under suspension, for not paying the fine associated with driving a vehicle without an inspection sticker.  Driving poor means driving shit boxes, often shit boxes can no longer pass a state inspection, but they run enough to make life a little easier.  The fine for not being able to afford an inspectable car is 135.00...If you ask for 6 months to pay and you only get 3...because let's face it if you had an extra 135 bucks you could have bought an inspection sticker from an unscrupulous  service station.  So they revoke your license, and you have to beg for the right to have your license while trying to pay the fine so you can get to work.  Fine they say you can get it but you still have to pay the 50.00 reinstatement fee....so now the fine is still hanging and you've got to pay a reinstatement that will make it harder to pay the 135.00.  For those of you that don't think 135.00 is a big fine.  Imagine that your paycheck won't quite cover gas, rent, and food...so you have to skimp on food or a bill every pay check.  Trying to get as many hours as possible while working part time is scary and daunting.  At least you're not seasonal and you know you will always have a FEW hours...while working hard to show your eagerness for an upcoming full time position.  Trying hard to get 30 hours in, when you're used to working 50+.  Making 8.00 an hour less than you used to.  Paying child support of over 100.00 a week while working part time.  Having the state Automatically take it from your pay check so you can't feel weak and lapse...then have the state charge you a 2.00 service fee every paycheck for the privilege of having your wage garnished.  Trying to ration enough gas that you can see the kids once or twice a week.  Despite being well educated, you missed the last bus and you're not quite eligible for a lot of them.  Also you're competing against a work force where there are a glut of overqualified fellow jobless people willing to step DOWN into most of the jobs you are qualified for.  After all in this market you've stepped down to part time entry level...haven't you?
This is a rant, and as such it is unedited and in this case extremely run on.  Enjoy it.  Or not, I really don't care, I just want to speak and vent...We are never here to judge...only jury and execute. 

The fear is real

I don’t know if anyone is following this.  It’s funny.  In 3 days I will be completely alone.  It’s true I have a hazy plan, and am working to stay afloat.  However there are so many precarious variables.  I am so scared.  I don’t want to die.  I know that sounds crazy, but if this doesn’t come together, if I can’t pay the rent…I cannot, will not be homeless…So what then…sleep in my car, with no license, shower at the Y, eat fast food take-out…How long can that last?  Can I adequately save up for a small apartment?  How long?  Bi weekly paychecks…assuming I can keep the job, or maybe jobs.  If I pick up this second job will I have enough to make it?  Not for a few weeks, that I won’t have…

I am scared to death my room mate won’t come through with the money.  Then I won’t have the rent…then what.  I don’t have a back up plan, one check won’t touch the rent.  3 days.  I won’t live homeless.  I don’t know what I’ll do.  I really don’t know.  It has to work…I close my eyes.  3 days, possibly a second job tomorrow…still not enough money, still not enough time…everything in 3 days, still not lined up…

harsh light

So a father and son came into the lumber store where I work today.  They were getting stuff to fix the roof.  Some tar to re-adhere the shingles when they slide and nail new ones in to replace the ones that blew away.

Then the dad asked about a rain diverter for the chimney…seems his home inspector recommended a rain diverter to keep water from flowing down the steep roof and causing the chimney to leak.  “This is a bad idea.” I think.  That’s not how you repair a chimney leak, you re-lead that shit the right way and flash under the shingles.  The dad had a ROPE to go up and have a look-see at the chimney…It wasn’t until just now that some things occurred to me…

First this whole roof fixing thing has bad idea written all over it…

But who am I to judge, this guy owns his home and is going to try and fix it…more fucking power to him.  Even better he’s bringing his son along so later the kid can tell great stories about the retarded shit his dad did.

That led me to a troubling truth. 

Apparently I cannot have that existence.  I tried.  I got tremendously close…I owned a home, had the family, had the son to show shit to.

Then I decided I needed a different plan, why?  How the fuck should I know, it seemed like a good idea at the time, still does somehow…even after all this, if I had it to do again I would…why the fuck is that?

Anyway that fucking pipe dream is no longer on the table for me.  It isn’t an option that I have a reasonable expectation as believable for me.  Yet this is the image I’ve had beaten into my head since child hood as what I’m supposed to want, and on some level I see it and smile…

Then the façade crumbles, and I’m left here in the fucking dark, budgeting a handful of dollars each week into bills, and gas to get to work, then food, and if there’s anything left you work on the list of items you need or will need soon, working from the cheapest up, and hope you leave yourself enough to get more food or gas if you run out of either before the next pay day.

I can’t have that.

May 22nd

The ideology of the idealistic…I find myself sitting in an empty house, on the verge of tears.  My mind is spinning.  I am sad, I am angry.  I try so hard to figure out what’s missing.  I think it is hope.  I have given up on the dream for a better life.  I may have been looking in the wrong place.  I’ve had this recurring vision of being cold, of a window and rainy gray skies.  I realize today it is overcast, with a cold steady rain, the kind that you can’t really see the rain falling, but if you step outside you are immediately soaked and cold.  As I sat down to write this, I realized that I am in fact cold.

                I’m going to be 35 in less than two weeks.  I think of myself as already there.  I think it’s my way of getting it over with.  I’m 35 years old, and yet I’m no older than I was at 16, or 19.  I have gotten nowhere.  I’m still working entry level retail.  I still just stopped attending college.  I still probably failed out.  Somewhere in this abstract world, I have two children.  Somewhere once upon a time I had a house and a mortgage.  Somewhere I had benefits, paid the bills, and yet still struggled.  Yet here I am back at square one.  I’m angry, dissatisfied, lonely and depressed.  The emotional problems I had as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult…they are all still there.  I’m still on the fringe.  Yet I’m adaptive.  I have learned to fake most of the feelings and actions of the people around me.  I can walk onto a job, and believe me I’ve worked in a lot of them.  I learn what’s expected of me, infer what’s hoped for from me, and quickly set myself apart as one of the better workers.  Not always the best, but always as a reliable, intelligent, and competent employee.  This lasts for a while.  I’m not sure what factors influence whether it’s a year or five.  However eventually, it begins to fall apart.  The cracks show.  I become unstable.  My dissatisfaction, and disbelief in what working hard gets me, makes it all seem hollow and fake.

                I have always had a dream…of a place of peace and solitude.  A structure I build.  Don’t misinterpret this isn’t the earthen mound of a crazy hermit.  I’ve built, I’ve studied architecture independently, I understand basic structural design.  The space I build will be a unique handcrafted quality built refuge.  Not big, but amazing, and beautiful…I will finally have a tower.  Some trees, few to no neighbors, my mind reminds me of social and interpersonal expectations and I see the people I need to include in my dream as add-ons to my dream, and then it’s no longer mine.  I know I’m not ok.  I know that I am not functional when measured against my peers.  However I have interacted with my peers a lot.  I have spoken deeply and passionately with many of them.  I have learned the things that make them tick. 

                I see myself as a central figure in most systems I find myself in.  Now I sometimes wonder if that isn’t a trick of my perception, or if I really am a dynamic personality.  Then again, I’ve somewhat just admitted that a lot of that personality is fake.  However could it be said that most people’s personalities are fake?

                Every where that I look there are bills that I cannot pay.  I owe the IRS, fines in 2 states, 2 banks, 2 credit cards, a repossessed car loan, over 20,000 in student loans, 1100 in a medical bill,  3000 in back child support that I’m paying back at the rate of 11 dollars a week.  I make about 575 dollars every two weeks right now after taxes.  Child support takes 222 dollars off the top of that leaving me with about 350 dollars.  My rent is 200, my gas to get to work is about 50 every two weeks…this leaves me with about 100 dollars to feed myself, pay my car insurance, pay for a cell phone, and chip away at the mountain of previous debt, this is hopelessly illogical.

                It seems like yesterday, although it’s been a year, that I was making good money, that I had benefits, that ultimately I was proud of my job.  Now I’m lost, and adrift.  I blame certain external factors for my predicament.  That being said I DO realize the part I played in ending up where I am.  However the sheer lopsided brutality of how I got here could not have been done to me without other people’s willful attempt to subdue me.  So I helped bring myself here, and for that I will have to dig myself out of my hole.  However other people did bear significant malice towards me, and in the pursuit of that malice did induce harsh and unnecessary penalties upon me, which ultimately taxed my ability to cope and deal, and combined with the brutality of being imprisoned for 30 days for being poor cost me a job that I was barely holding onto from stress and confusion.

                They called it ‘Civil Contempt’.  If I couldn’t find 2500 dollars to give to my ex wife’s attorney I would spend 30 days in jail.  I didn’t have any money.  I had been paying 250 a week in child support, based on overtime, then not been able to get said overtime regularly.  So I went from working as a guard in a jail to being an inmate.  I woke up on a metal bunk sleeping on a vinyl and cotton mattress, with one wool blanket to keep me warm, and one rolled into a pillow, every morning for 30 days.  I ate breakfast with guys I recognized from having stayed at the jail I worked at.  Because I was a guard they offered me protective custody…I refused it.  The reason I gave was that the rapists and child molesters are in protective custody and if given the chance I would hurt one of them.  That’s not a wholly accurate reason.  In all actuality a mixture of pride, rage, and indifference dictated that choice.  I was angry and I’m not a pussy, and if I got hurt or killed at least I would do it on my feet.

                The first few days I was convinced I could convince my ex to drop the contempt charge.  I entered jail on a Friday February 26th, I had given up on that dream by Tuesday.  I think it was Saturday that the Internal Affairs guy came to visit me and had me sign for my ‘being investigated for code of conduct violations’ packet.  It was March 7^th, when a Captain came to visit me, brought me into the jail captain’s office…I didn’t get visits like a normal inmate, because at that point I still really wasn’t…not entirely.  I was given my termination packet.  They didn’t need the IA, being unable to report to work for 30 days and not having 30 days of time off to take was more than enough to terminate me cleanly.  I shook Captain Butt’s hand and told him I was proud to have worked with him.  I went back to my cell and let it sink in.  I worked out in my cell and jogged in place a lot.  One kid waiting for transport upstate to serve his 6 to 10 year sentence threatened me when my door closed loudly.  I told him “I’ll twist you up like a pretzel and break your fucking neck.” Then I made my evening phone call and left my cell door open for about 45 minutes to show that I was inviting him in.  He never did come in.  Then an inmate recognized and outed me as a former guard.  I was honest and let my story be told.  No one threatened me.

                I got out at the end of March 2011.  It is now May 22^nd 2012.  Security is nowhere to be seen.  Really all I want is space and Respect.  However all I have to offer is Rage, hurt, confusion, dissatisfaction, and lingering animosity.  They called it Civil Contempt.  If they thought I had contempt before, then there aren’t words strong enough to describe what I feel for the system right now.  Mostly I mourn for it…I used to believe in the system, but after what I went through trying to live in it…I realize it’s corrupt and fucked…It’s already dead, there’s nothing left of the ideals the founding fathers, tried to instill in it.  The average citizen, those the system was designed to protect has no say in it anymore…it’s been made too expensive for them to properly utilize because without an expensive lawyer the system will eat you alive, and most of the country can’t afford a lawyer.

                My name is Pete.  I’m (almost) 35 years old.  I feel robbed of the dreams I was sold on as a child.  I’ve tried working hard, I’ve tried being a soldier, a citizen, a protector...what I find is that I’m a cast off and I don’t belong.  So if there is no way for me to live in this world what should I do now?